How To Be A Good Wife
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. Devote at least half your mental energy to this. You really have nothing to think about anyway, do you? This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Have your children trained to keep an eye on the dinner that should be warming on your entirely un-child-proof stove. Touch up your makeup. Remember, concealer is a must! Rid yourself of those unsightly bags immediately! Put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. I saw this on an old movie once. He has just been with a lot of work-wear[sic] people, whereas you've been dicking around the house all day, doing fuck-all knows what. Probably watching whatever daytime TV the 1950s had to offer. You slattern. Be a little gay and a little more interesting and even try for vapid and obsequious, his boring day may need a lift .
Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. because it shouldn't look like you, or the children, actually live there. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. And remember to keep your eye on that stove! And the children! And that ribbon! Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and will give you a lift too. on the arse, if you're lucky. "Hiya Toots!"
Prepare the children. They are best braised, with a little rosemary and salt. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. You needn't remember for the rest of the day that they are also your little treasures -- you need to be thinking about dinner. They only have to play the part for daddy.
Minimize all the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quite[sic]. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Try not to let on to the shrieking despair you feel when you see his "work-wear" face and think about what being married will mean for the next fifty years.
Some Don'ts. Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner and smells like Impostor perfumes and gin. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day, like Important Office Stuff and Three Martini Lunches. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a chilled or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.(<-----I couldn't think of anything to say here. My gag reflex would seriously not let me. I do like the quasi-dominatrix voice in "allow", though.)
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time and what you have to say is not really that important, anyway. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his needs are to relax and unwind. A lot, apparently. So don't you dare say anything.
The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit. Because when he's relaxed, then you can ask him for money for the Valium. Just make sure to say it's for "women's needs". After all, you need it, don't you?
Source: 1950s High School Home-Economics Textbook
I wonder how all this would sound if the pronouns were switched around?
Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Have your children trained to keep an eye on the dinner that should be warming on your entirely un-child-proof stove. Touch up your makeup. Remember, concealer is a must! Rid yourself of those unsightly bags immediately! Put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. I saw this on an old movie once. He has just been with a lot of work-wear[sic] people, whereas you've been dicking around the house all day, doing fuck-all knows what. Probably watching whatever daytime TV the 1950s had to offer. You slattern. Be a little gay and a little more interesting and even try for vapid and obsequious, his boring day may need a lift .
Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. because it shouldn't look like you, or the children, actually live there. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. And remember to keep your eye on that stove! And the children! And that ribbon! Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and will give you a lift too. on the arse, if you're lucky. "Hiya Toots!"
Prepare the children. They are best braised, with a little rosemary and salt. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. You needn't remember for the rest of the day that they are also your little treasures -- you need to be thinking about dinner. They only have to play the part for daddy.
Minimize all the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quite[sic]. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Try not to let on to the shrieking despair you feel when you see his "work-wear" face and think about what being married will mean for the next fifty years.
Some Don'ts. Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner and smells like Impostor perfumes and gin. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day, like Important Office Stuff and Three Martini Lunches. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a chilled or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.(<-----I couldn't think of anything to say here. My gag reflex would seriously not let me. I do like the quasi-dominatrix voice in "allow", though.)
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time and what you have to say is not really that important, anyway. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his needs are to relax and unwind. A lot, apparently. So don't you dare say anything.
The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit. Because when he's relaxed, then you can ask him for money for the Valium. Just make sure to say it's for "women's needs". After all, you need it, don't you?
Source: 1950s High School Home-Economics Textbook
I wonder how all this would sound if the pronouns were switched around?
No comments:
Post a Comment